I Moved During Lockdown (And Neither Should You)

February

I’m on a plane back to a place I moved away from less than 6 months ago for a final round of job interviews. Then I’m flying to see my partner in another part of the country. I never could have imagined seeing this kind of situation. My mental health has never been so challenged. I unexpectedly ran into a friend on my flight and he offered me a place to stay.

—

Valentine’s Day — I get the job offer after 8 rounds of interviews. It’s time to make a decision. Less than a year after leaving, it looks like I’m moving across the country, again. But what an opportunity. I left and I’m coming back making more money and excited about the work I’ll be doing.

—

I accepted the job offer, and it’s time to figure out the details. When do I tell the worst boss I have ever had “sayonara and fuck you very much?” Am I really moving twice in one year by myself while in a long-distance relationship, getting no closer to my partner?

—

OK, I’ve made some decisions. If I’m gonna do this, I’m gonna motherfucking do this. Looks like I’m filing for bankruptcy, so this really will be a new start. Maybe I’ll sell my furniture and only take what fits in my car. I’ve known so many people who did this and wondered how they could ever give up the security. Guess I’m going to be one of them.

March

Apparently I’m being offered relocation assistance to move back. But my lawyer says it’s a bad idea. I’d have to have the money up front, and that would disrupt my bankruptcy. I don’t have several thousand dollars to get reimbursed later. This COVID-19 epidemic is getting serious. At least working remotely I don’t have to be in the same room as my boss. It takes everything I have not to put a boot in his tiny nuts.

—

Two weeks left at this shithole of a job. I just had a panic attack because my last paychecks are getting garnished due to a secret agreement I wasn’t told about until after I moved. How do I owe $3000 for leaving a job that ruined my life? How did I fuck up so badly and make so many terrible decisions? And my lawyer is saying I might not qualify for Chapter 7 bankruptcy and I’ll have to make payments for 5 years. Why can’t I lean on my partner for this? Oh well — I have a place to crash now back home — a spare bedroom in a friend’s house. At least I have edibles.

—

I told my dad my plan to sell everything and take a lean move and I turned down the relocation assistance. To my surprise, my dad gave me money to help, no strings. My lawyer is frustrated and wants me to find a place to stay right away so I don’t fuck up my bankruptcy.

—

I texted my old landlord and they have a place, this last-minute. No background check needed — I’m signing the lease sight-unseen apart from a video tour. They were great then, and they’re helpful now. I wish he would say something, anything, about what’s going through his head. If I was planning a move and my partner ended up signing a lease, I’d have some feelings.

—

Well, fuck. The consignment shops are all closing. I can’t even unload my stuff. My friends from work are saying to store the stuff in their place. I don’t want to come back across the country for this shit. It’s just stuff. I just want to move on. Why is everyone telling me to hold onto stuff? It won’t make ANYTHING better. Another friend is saying I could sell it on Facebook marketplace. I’m not letting strangers breathe in my apartment during an outbreak of a respiratory virus. Fuck. What will I do?

—

Well, guess I’m hiring movers then. Will I be able to cross state lines? Will the movers be able to take my stuff? What a shady industry. I don’t want to say goodbye to all my people here. Life outside of work was so satisfying. But I feel like I’m on a sinking ship in this office. Will there even be a workplace for me if I stayed? But starting over, yet again — Is it even worth it?

—

My last day of the job. I got a form letter from my boss’ boss thanking me for my contributions. My boss found yet another way to fuck me over in this job. I’m leaving having gained nothing from this experience. Locking my computer in the drawer and never coming back. Oh well. Everyone’s working remotely. No one is in the conference rooms. If they’re gonna steal $3000 from me, I can pocket some hand sanitizer.

—

I guess I don’t have to worry about being in a long-distance relationship anymore. So I’ve lost everything, then. Why did I bother? Why do I bother? My gym just shut down. We’re under a shelter-in-place order. At least he and I were able to see each other in person as the world collapsed around us. I sure didn’t think this would be the last time I went to a gay bar. I wish I had the strength to cry right now. Will state borders close?

End of March

I’ve loaded all my stuff and the movers took it — they tried to hose me out of extra money already. Fuck them so much. I’m gonna be staying in hotels, carrying sanitizer, and who knows what this journey will hold.

April

I don’t think I’ve cried so much as I have been driving along this way. I was hoping to see someone as I stayed overnight, but he is afraid to leave his house. I can’t be upset someone is being cautious. This is so hard.

—

I’ve made it to my midway point. I’m staying with friends for a couple weeks a few hours from my new-old home, and I’m really glad to have the company. How did I go from barhopping every night to staying home all the time? But slowing down has been really helpful. I’m shaking with grief, having edibles every night, drinking any liquor I can find until I pass out, and putting Irish cream in my coffee to stop the hangovers in the morning. Do my friends know how much I’m drinking?

—

Well, the tables have turned again. The moving company is making me agree to either move 5 days early or get my stuff sometime in May. They also tried to demand an extra grand. I was advised by the mediating party that I should take the early move because we might be locked down even more. What a shady industry. They’ve got me by the balls. Guess it’s time to pivot — again.

—

Thankfully my landlord is letting me go through with it and move in early. I’ve arrived at my friend’s place, and I guess this is home for now. I feel so confused. This doesn’t feel like the city I left, and yet it absolutely does. I am home, for now.

—

I went to the office to get my laptop and my ID badge. Apparently I’m going to be working remotely through June. I sobbed when I got to my car. The train station by the office — it’s nothing like I’ve seen before. Here I am starting over and the trains are running so infrequently. There are people there at that rail stop, only a few people, and the sadness in their eyes and their grief can be seen from across the street. Nevermind the death and sickness, the societal toll is horrifying.

—

Week 2 at my new job and I’m moving into my own place sooner than expected. My friend I’m staying with is allergic to my cat, and I can’t make my kitty stay alone all the time after such a traumatic move. Thankfully, another friend lent me some money to buy the bare necessities. By the skin of my teeth, somehow, I made it through and I have a chance to start a new life.

May

My bankruptcy was approved. It’s a fresh start in every way. This doesn’t feel like a new normal at all. I didn’t think we’d be staying home this long. How are people protesting governors with assault rifles because of public health measures, and they’re uninterrupted by police? I’ve learned that everything that I held dear in the life I just built is gone. The fuck buddies are no more because I don’t feel safe in non-monogamy. This pandemic is getting worse, so all my hangouts and hobbies are no more. If I have to hole up, I have a good place to hole up. Who knows what the future holds, but at least somehow, I made it here.